Ahh, yes silence IS golden.....
.....unless you live in an apartment complex and the downstairs neighbors play house music and or have their own instruments they play ALL the time at ALL hours of the day and night! "Have you complained" you ask. YES! Obviously nothing is being done.
This is when my heart hurts. This is the time I SO wish we had a house. This is when I wish we had a ton of money already set aside for a house. This is when I dream and get a little sad because having said house seems oh so far away.
Statistics.
It is what breaths life into every negative thought in ones mind. Statistics. The statistic that you should be back to fighting shape after delivery. Statistic. You should buy a house then get married. Statistic. You should wait to have children until you start your career. Statistic. You shouldn't get married young. Statistic. You need to look exactly a certain way or you will not get very far in life or be loved unconditionally. Statistic. The possibility that a fight may happen because brave husband is going downstairs to tell them to turn off their music so you can actually hear the golden silence as your two children finally fall asleep.
Reality.
The neighbors only speak Spanish. We do not. - - Fantastic - -
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
My name is Mommy
"Mommy!"
"MOMMY!"
"Mooommmmyyyyy!"
"Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy!"
"Mommy!?!?!" (with the added pulling of my shirt and at times occasional slap on the butt, enhancing the relentless "need" to his tone.) Which then engages my mommy response of the clearing of my throat, 'excuse my child we are in public' d-e-a-t-h glare stare.
My name is Mommy. I know, I'm aware it's a pretty common name. It's ok, no need to point it out.
This is the name I respond to daily, hourly, by. the. minute. Since my first born could utter the word, I have responded. In the moment of exclaiming "OH MY GOSH babe he said Mama for the first time"!!!! This haze is unforgettable. The haze of, I'm not going to cry, ok I might moment of exuberance as our first child learned the most meaningful word (to me) E-V-E-R, besides those other three words "I love you" was well, breathtaking....
However, that memory (though I do know it existed because, well it had too) my brain does not currently go back that far (aka: sleep deprivation invasion.) These days, in my 'new mommy round two' state hearing my "name," (the one I earned after fourteen hours of labor) my brain halts. It stops working. Numbs itself out. Sighs. Asks the dreaded question mentally for fear of asking it out loud, "What!?"
My brain mentally checks things off the list. "Is he fed"? YES. "Does he need to go number two and need me to watch until he needs wiped?" NO, we did that already. "Did he already go number two and try wiping himself without telling me he went number two." (Need to ask this question out loud.) "Does he want a snack, even though he just had one l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y five minutes ago. PROBABLY. "Can I calmly respond to his "Mommy!" with a polite WHAT? Hmmmm, how much sleep did I get?(ha).
I clear my throat, as the question "What"? comes out in a breathy, sleepy, did I not just answer to this name five minutes ago, I. am. exhausted. and we need to get groceries so do not ask for another snack because there probably isn't one, tone.
Child one answers as he bounces up and down for emphasis: "Can I have a snack,"? he asks. I stare at him. "It will be fun" he says (he will be a great salesmen someday for UTZ or Welches, he is incessant about any snack producing company) I'm still staring. "Pleasssseee" he pleads. I sigh and speak the three words that are most often in my vocabulary, "Not right now" I say. These words usually initiate 'this is the worst possible answer e-v-e-r and my day is now ruined and my spirit is c-r-u-s-h-e-d' pout. He perks up immediately after said pout and I see he's anxious, "But, but... it'd be really fun Mommy (pause for emphasis), Pleeeeaaaassse!" he pleads with his best begging tone and winning smile. I sigh again because now child two is crying, (he hasn't learned my name yet, and for him my name is WAHHHHHHHH. I respond to both; you know because I'm flexible in my work environment and treat my coworkers respectfully) "Sure, I don't care." I begrudgingly say. He lights up like he has just received the best gift. These four words of permisision always get the best response with an "OH, OK! OK MOMMY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU MOMMY! He yells as he runs to the snack drawer.
A second goes by...
"Mommy!?" (sigh...really??? I just answered a question and gave in for the hundredth time today because I am too tired to argue. NOW...pleassseee hurry the question up because I have to feed your brother tone) I respond, "What?" "Do you want a snack too"? he asks. My head clears for a moment as my heart warms it up, like a battery charging a dead tablet (mental note, we need to get batteries for his tablet) In this moment, in the simple moment of responding to a little child who all he wants to do is to eat 24/7 (no joke) and realizing that his happiest moments are when he gets his belly fueled can simply stop in the midst of getting his most favorite thing a snack, look up and see me....the tired, not showered, sometimes tearful, exhausted Mommy. Knowing he thinks of me in his moment of glee, is ice thawing. Even though his generosity and thoughtfulness is on his terms, as food is his most important 'beginning, middle, second middle, third middle, almost the end of the day, and end' part of the day, he sees me. He thinks of me. He asks me if I want what makes him happy.
However, the "Can you help me Mommy?" "Thank you for kissing my boo-boo, its all better, Mommy" "Can I help you sweep, mommy?" "Baby needs his diaper changed, Mommy" "Can I hold brother, Mommy?" "I need a goodnight hug and kiss, Mommy!" "I missed you Mommy" "Lets pray, Mommy" "Thank you, Mommy" "You look pretty, Mommy" "I love you, Mommy" moments of the day that make the "What"? moments worth it (and honestly make this mommy rethink the tone of those whats. They need to be sweeter, because he will not always need me e-v-e-r-y minute of every day) Even in that sleep deprivation state of mind, I need me time, sad mommy wife moments. It is worth it.
It is hard. It is tearful. It is eye opening. It can be lonely. It is life changing. It is fearful. It is warm. It is cuddly. It is moments after moments of different happenings that at times feel overwhelming. It is fulfilling. It is wonder. It is charm. It is character building. It is embarrassing. It is magical. It is blessing filled. It is hope... and forgiveness... and thankfulness... and f-a-i-t-h all wrapped up in a hospital blanket handed to you and let go of (because you are trusted...this child is yours and even the intelligent college degree earning hospital staff know this swaddled bundle belongs to you and you are to take unconditional care of this blessing, forever)
However...
The feeling of pulling out of the hospital and looking over at your soul mate. No matter how many times you have been in this moment, you exchange that smile of accomplishment and love along with a tight squeeze of the hand because you need that support to slap away the fear that rims your already red exhausted eyes. It is being a parent. It is knowing that even in those really hard days, the days where you can't stop crying and all you crave is a moment to pick up the phone and call that person in your life to come help you because you honestly can not take another moment of this tearful, anger filled, confused, feeling of neglect, I CAN NOT do this moments of exhaustion in the day, you (we) (I) have to remember, this is only a moment.. it will get better. These moments of sleepy, confusing, am I doing it right doubtful breathless responses of "What?" really all come down to one thing....
Those little feet who come into your bedroom to wake you up, that cry in the middle of night that needs you to feed them, that boo-boo that needs to be kissed, and that snack that they ask permission to partake of, they see you, because they need you. You are not invisible. I am not invisible. In those moments, those difficult exhausting moments were it feels as though you can not give anything more, you are noticed. You are the only one that is theirs. You are their, "Mommy". And they see you (us) (me) because you are needed in the only way they can need you; and that right there, being needed, no matter the exhaustion, no matter the questions, is a pretty great feeling.
(mental note)
"MOMMY!"
"Mooommmmyyyyy!"
"Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy!"
"Mommy!?!?!" (with the added pulling of my shirt and at times occasional slap on the butt, enhancing the relentless "need" to his tone.) Which then engages my mommy response of the clearing of my throat, 'excuse my child we are in public' d-e-a-t-h glare stare.
My name is Mommy. I know, I'm aware it's a pretty common name. It's ok, no need to point it out.
This is the name I respond to daily, hourly, by. the. minute. Since my first born could utter the word, I have responded. In the moment of exclaiming "OH MY GOSH babe he said Mama for the first time"!!!! This haze is unforgettable. The haze of, I'm not going to cry, ok I might moment of exuberance as our first child learned the most meaningful word (to me) E-V-E-R, besides those other three words "I love you" was well, breathtaking....
However, that memory (though I do know it existed because, well it had too) my brain does not currently go back that far (aka: sleep deprivation invasion.) These days, in my 'new mommy round two' state hearing my "name," (the one I earned after fourteen hours of labor) my brain halts. It stops working. Numbs itself out. Sighs. Asks the dreaded question mentally for fear of asking it out loud, "What!?"
My brain mentally checks things off the list. "Is he fed"? YES. "Does he need to go number two and need me to watch until he needs wiped?" NO, we did that already. "Did he already go number two and try wiping himself without telling me he went number two." (Need to ask this question out loud.) "Does he want a snack, even though he just had one l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y five minutes ago. PROBABLY. "Can I calmly respond to his "Mommy!" with a polite WHAT? Hmmmm, how much sleep did I get?(ha).
I clear my throat, as the question "What"? comes out in a breathy, sleepy, did I not just answer to this name five minutes ago, I. am. exhausted. and we need to get groceries so do not ask for another snack because there probably isn't one, tone.
Child one answers as he bounces up and down for emphasis: "Can I have a snack,"? he asks. I stare at him. "It will be fun" he says (he will be a great salesmen someday for UTZ or Welches, he is incessant about any snack producing company) I'm still staring. "Pleasssseee" he pleads. I sigh and speak the three words that are most often in my vocabulary, "Not right now" I say. These words usually initiate 'this is the worst possible answer e-v-e-r and my day is now ruined and my spirit is c-r-u-s-h-e-d' pout. He perks up immediately after said pout and I see he's anxious, "But, but... it'd be really fun Mommy (pause for emphasis), Pleeeeaaaassse!" he pleads with his best begging tone and winning smile. I sigh again because now child two is crying, (he hasn't learned my name yet, and for him my name is WAHHHHHHHH. I respond to both; you know because I'm flexible in my work environment and treat my coworkers respectfully) "Sure, I don't care." I begrudgingly say. He lights up like he has just received the best gift. These four words of permisision always get the best response with an "OH, OK! OK MOMMY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU MOMMY! He yells as he runs to the snack drawer.
A second goes by...
"Mommy!?" (sigh...really??? I just answered a question and gave in for the hundredth time today because I am too tired to argue. NOW...pleassseee hurry the question up because I have to feed your brother tone) I respond, "What?" "Do you want a snack too"? he asks. My head clears for a moment as my heart warms it up, like a battery charging a dead tablet (mental note, we need to get batteries for his tablet) In this moment, in the simple moment of responding to a little child who all he wants to do is to eat 24/7 (no joke) and realizing that his happiest moments are when he gets his belly fueled can simply stop in the midst of getting his most favorite thing a snack, look up and see me....the tired, not showered, sometimes tearful, exhausted Mommy. Knowing he thinks of me in his moment of glee, is ice thawing. Even though his generosity and thoughtfulness is on his terms, as food is his most important 'beginning, middle, second middle, third middle, almost the end of the day, and end' part of the day, he sees me. He thinks of me. He asks me if I want what makes him happy.
My name is Mommy. Yes, I know it's a pretty common name...
However, the "Can you help me Mommy?" "Thank you for kissing my boo-boo, its all better, Mommy" "Can I help you sweep, mommy?" "Baby needs his diaper changed, Mommy" "Can I hold brother, Mommy?" "I need a goodnight hug and kiss, Mommy!" "I missed you Mommy" "Lets pray, Mommy" "Thank you, Mommy" "You look pretty, Mommy" "I love you, Mommy" moments of the day that make the "What"? moments worth it (and honestly make this mommy rethink the tone of those whats. They need to be sweeter, because he will not always need me e-v-e-r-y minute of every day) Even in that sleep deprivation state of mind, I need me time, sad mommy wife moments. It is worth it.
However, I understand that....
It is hard. It is tearful. It is eye opening. It can be lonely. It is life changing. It is fearful. It is warm. It is cuddly. It is moments after moments of different happenings that at times feel overwhelming. It is fulfilling. It is wonder. It is charm. It is character building. It is embarrassing. It is magical. It is blessing filled. It is hope... and forgiveness... and thankfulness... and f-a-i-t-h all wrapped up in a hospital blanket handed to you and let go of (because you are trusted...this child is yours and even the intelligent college degree earning hospital staff know this swaddled bundle belongs to you and you are to take unconditional care of this blessing, forever)
However...
Life is now different but in a mixed up sad happy confused delightful way. It is like that feeling... you may know the one...
The feeling of pulling out of the hospital and looking over at your soul mate. No matter how many times you have been in this moment, you exchange that smile of accomplishment and love along with a tight squeeze of the hand because you need that support to slap away the fear that rims your already red exhausted eyes. It is being a parent. It is knowing that even in those really hard days, the days where you can't stop crying and all you crave is a moment to pick up the phone and call that person in your life to come help you because you honestly can not take another moment of this tearful, anger filled, confused, feeling of neglect, I CAN NOT do this moments of exhaustion in the day, you (we) (I) have to remember, this is only a moment.. it will get better. These moments of sleepy, confusing, am I doing it right doubtful breathless responses of "What?" really all come down to one thing....
Those little feet who come into your bedroom to wake you up, that cry in the middle of night that needs you to feed them, that boo-boo that needs to be kissed, and that snack that they ask permission to partake of, they see you, because they need you. You are not invisible. I am not invisible. In those moments, those difficult exhausting moments were it feels as though you can not give anything more, you are noticed. You are the only one that is theirs. You are their, "Mommy". And they see you (us) (me) because you are needed in the only way they can need you; and that right there, being needed, no matter the exhaustion, no matter the questions, is a pretty great feeling.
(mental note)
"Mommy, do you want a snack"?
"Yes baby, thank you (thank you for noticing me) I will take a snack".
xx~Until Next time~xx
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
My Birth story, round two!
My heart is anxious. It is the night before my second c-section (this time planned to avoid another emergency situation as my last birth had become). With my different cleaners in hand I am cleaning the bathrooms, gathering last bits of laundry that always seems to scatter themselves throughout our tiny three bedroom apartment; all the while trying my best to get everything to a "that should last for a couple weeks until I can clean again" standing.
My toddler has left to stay the night with his great grandparents, making that five thirty arrival time at the hospital a lot easier to achieve (which will be happening in six hours, initiate panic mode cleaning!) Per my son leaving the only noise is the vacuum, a loud stomping from the upstairs neighbors to stop vacuuming, and the slightly manic/anxious mommy to be ordering a wonderful, tired, night shift working daddy to help with last minute cleaning and organizing before laying down and trying to sleep.
My alarm is set. And then a second alarm is set (just in case first alarm doesn't go off. Need. To. Be. Prepared!) My phone blinks at me (mocking me really) as it states I will be awakened in five hours and thirty three minutes. I laugh anxiously as I seriously doubt I will be sleeping at all. Daddy has already fallen asleep as he has the ability to always sleep the moment his head hits a pillow. Quite honestly as soon as he relaxes anywhere, he is sound asleep. Not just "asleep" but the kind of sleep that initiates immediate snoring, wake me up and I act awake but I am still sleeping, kind of sleep. I am always jealous of his superman ability as I, insomnia mommy, consider it a superpower. Sighing I toss and turn (slowly of course as my nine month belly limits quick movements or movement of any kind.)
My eyes shoot open and my heart races as I jump up thinking I have overslept. I go to the bathroom and then double check the time before getting in the shower. Good thing I checked! It was only three in the morning and I still had time to sleep. Back to the bed I go, surprisingly falling asleep rather quickly, only to awake about an hour and a half later. I lay there and doze off and on until my alarm happily plays its wake up tune. I jump up and get in the shower only to remember that my second alarm is still set for five minutes after the first alarm and since I am in the shower it is going to go off and wake up a still tired sleeping hubby. I hear the alarm go off and I feel bad as I know hubby doesn't need to wake for another ten minutes. I am almost done however still peek out to make sure he is turning off the alarm as now it is getting a little annoying with its tune. I should have known. His other superpower is not waking up easily. I am again jealous (I really need to work on my jealousy issues.)
Once hubby is awake I finish getting ready, throwing on my hoodie and yoga pants and quickly putting my hair in a pony tail. After checking off my many different lists making sure we had everything, we were on our way! Sleepy hubby and anxious mommy arrived at the hospital ER entrance as that was the only way we could get in since it was so early. The only directions we have are that we need to tell the receptionist there that we are here for a scheduled c-section and she will direct us to where we need to go. OK. I can do that. As we walk up to the window the lady already looks confused, possibly a pregnant woman and man in tow with bags like we are checking into a hotel kind of confused her; (I understand, receptionist lady, it is early.) Once we are directed and looked at oddly once more from the receptionist we make our way through all the different hallways and to the elevator that will lead us to the maternity ward. Breathe, pray, breathe, pray, glance at hubby for support, breathe, reassure myself all will be ok, pray again, DONT cry, squeeze hubbys hand for last minute support, step off elevator and.... It's go time!
After we were signed in and in our room everything went by very quickly! In the two hour time allotted for prep time before surgery not much was said between hubby and I as he knows when I am nervous I just need to work it out myself and wont be OK until everything is over. As I answered all the necessary medical questions, changed into the lovely non modest hospital gown, took off all my jewelry, was hooked up to IV of fluids after a couple attempts as my veins are stubborn, all the nurses left and for the last half hour before we were to meet our second son we waited, smiled at each other, checked the camera to make sure it was working and tried to relax. Suddenly it was time! Hubby had his scrubs on and I was helped up to walk myself to the operating room. Nurse banter helped with my nerves as jokes were made that me walking myself to the operating room was quite different than my last experience in getting a c-section. I laughed between heart racing freak out this is happening you cant run even if you tried anxious breaths.
As the epidural was administered it was a little more uncomfortable getting it this time than I had remembered. The nurse that held me as the epidural did its thing joked about how I need to have one more child to get that girl (HA!!! FUNNY!) As I laid down the curtain was raised and a heated blanket that had air blowing through it was rested over my chest. My arms were strapped down and I remember mentioning a couple times that I could still feel my legs and feet. I was terrified I would feel them cutting as the internet had not eased my fears in having different stories pop up in my search for second c-section recovery information mentioned how some woman felt everything and went into shock....NOT what I wanted to think about in this moment!
As soon as I laid down I had a burning feeling in the middle of my chest which caused me to feel as though I couldn't breathe very well. I told myself I was overreacting and I was fine. The anesthesiologist spoke up "Lindsy, are you nervous"? I laughed..."Umm yes" I say (seriously what kind of question is that in this type of situation???) "I only ask, he said, because your heart rate spiked really high as soon as you laid down." I dont remember if I responded to him. All I can remember is that the pain in my chest was really uncomfortable and I really didn't want to go through the entire delivery not being able to breathe. I didn't want to panic, so I prayed. "God please take this pain away" I thought. Immediately the burning sensation lessened and I felt as though I could take a deeper breathe. There, I thought I'm fine I was just overreacting, thanks God!
Suddenly hubby was at my side! Having him there this time saying "Your'e doing great Mama" as we could both clearly hear them cutting away eased my nerves and was much more pleasant of an experience than my last delivery, which he hadn't even been in the room for. During the delivery I was more uncomfortable as I felt them push and almost stand on me to get our little bundle of joy out, who of course was up under my ribs which they had to pull apart to get him out (ouch is right). When I heard our little Westin cry for the first time I was filled with joy, "It's a boy!" everyone exclaimed and suddenly my little man was held up for me to see. My first thought was OH MY GOSH HE IS ADORABLE! My second thought was, HE LOOKS LIKE ME! After daddy cut the umbilical cord and I got to kiss my little man, my men left and I was left to be stitched up and stapled (fun, fun). The entire process from start to finish felt like it took forever! Which the anesthesiologist mentioned to me saying "I'm sure it feels like it is taking forever, but don't worry this is normal, when it isn't an emergency they are able to take their time."
After the surgery was done I was wheeled into our room and immediately saw daddy holding our newest addition. In that moment I knew I would do it all over again to get this adorable little guy. I love my sons so much and I love seeing their wonderful daddy loving them. That is something I always wanted for my children. I wanted them to have a daddy who wanted to be there for them, with them, love them, never deny them, and cherish them as much as I did. They have that. I am always grateful when I catch those little I love you so much moments between daddy and sons.
Throughout my two day stay at the hospital my pain was different than last time and seemed more manageable. I was grateful! I was told though that my heart rate had spiked and my blood pressure plummeted during surgery (hence the burning feeling and cant breathe moment) which resulted in them having to give me a shot in my leg. They said they didn't know why that had happened and had never experienced that before (always an overachiever I am! Ha!) I was also told I bled out significantly just as I had done in my first delivery and was again, anemic. Really wasn't expecting that information as I had scheduled my c-section to avoid that scenario. However though it did happen, at least it happened in a more controlled environment than last time and me and my baby were OK, which I again was grateful for.
My recovery has gone a lot more smoothly this time around. My pain is not as bad and the only annoyance is the little pain/uncomfortable moments I do have and dealing with my anemia. My iron pills do help slightly, however this is a battle I have to deal with and always have since my first delivery in 2011.
It has now been two weeks since Westin's birth on 12-30-13 at 7:50 a.m. and a little over a week since we have been home. I am SO glad to be home with my family of four! I can't wait until I feel normal again and a routine is established. Until then... I am relaxing with my boys and am simply feeling blessed beyond any dream I could have ever, ever imagined!
My toddler has left to stay the night with his great grandparents, making that five thirty arrival time at the hospital a lot easier to achieve (which will be happening in six hours, initiate panic mode cleaning!) Per my son leaving the only noise is the vacuum, a loud stomping from the upstairs neighbors to stop vacuuming, and the slightly manic/anxious mommy to be ordering a wonderful, tired, night shift working daddy to help with last minute cleaning and organizing before laying down and trying to sleep.
My alarm is set. And then a second alarm is set (just in case first alarm doesn't go off. Need. To. Be. Prepared!) My phone blinks at me (mocking me really) as it states I will be awakened in five hours and thirty three minutes. I laugh anxiously as I seriously doubt I will be sleeping at all. Daddy has already fallen asleep as he has the ability to always sleep the moment his head hits a pillow. Quite honestly as soon as he relaxes anywhere, he is sound asleep. Not just "asleep" but the kind of sleep that initiates immediate snoring, wake me up and I act awake but I am still sleeping, kind of sleep. I am always jealous of his superman ability as I, insomnia mommy, consider it a superpower. Sighing I toss and turn (slowly of course as my nine month belly limits quick movements or movement of any kind.)
My eyes shoot open and my heart races as I jump up thinking I have overslept. I go to the bathroom and then double check the time before getting in the shower. Good thing I checked! It was only three in the morning and I still had time to sleep. Back to the bed I go, surprisingly falling asleep rather quickly, only to awake about an hour and a half later. I lay there and doze off and on until my alarm happily plays its wake up tune. I jump up and get in the shower only to remember that my second alarm is still set for five minutes after the first alarm and since I am in the shower it is going to go off and wake up a still tired sleeping hubby. I hear the alarm go off and I feel bad as I know hubby doesn't need to wake for another ten minutes. I am almost done however still peek out to make sure he is turning off the alarm as now it is getting a little annoying with its tune. I should have known. His other superpower is not waking up easily. I am again jealous (I really need to work on my jealousy issues.)
Once hubby is awake I finish getting ready, throwing on my hoodie and yoga pants and quickly putting my hair in a pony tail. After checking off my many different lists making sure we had everything, we were on our way! Sleepy hubby and anxious mommy arrived at the hospital ER entrance as that was the only way we could get in since it was so early. The only directions we have are that we need to tell the receptionist there that we are here for a scheduled c-section and she will direct us to where we need to go. OK. I can do that. As we walk up to the window the lady already looks confused, possibly a pregnant woman and man in tow with bags like we are checking into a hotel kind of confused her; (I understand, receptionist lady, it is early.) Once we are directed and looked at oddly once more from the receptionist we make our way through all the different hallways and to the elevator that will lead us to the maternity ward. Breathe, pray, breathe, pray, glance at hubby for support, breathe, reassure myself all will be ok, pray again, DONT cry, squeeze hubbys hand for last minute support, step off elevator and.... It's go time!
After we were signed in and in our room everything went by very quickly! In the two hour time allotted for prep time before surgery not much was said between hubby and I as he knows when I am nervous I just need to work it out myself and wont be OK until everything is over. As I answered all the necessary medical questions, changed into the lovely non modest hospital gown, took off all my jewelry, was hooked up to IV of fluids after a couple attempts as my veins are stubborn, all the nurses left and for the last half hour before we were to meet our second son we waited, smiled at each other, checked the camera to make sure it was working and tried to relax. Suddenly it was time! Hubby had his scrubs on and I was helped up to walk myself to the operating room. Nurse banter helped with my nerves as jokes were made that me walking myself to the operating room was quite different than my last experience in getting a c-section. I laughed between heart racing freak out this is happening you cant run even if you tried anxious breaths.
As the epidural was administered it was a little more uncomfortable getting it this time than I had remembered. The nurse that held me as the epidural did its thing joked about how I need to have one more child to get that girl (HA!!! FUNNY!) As I laid down the curtain was raised and a heated blanket that had air blowing through it was rested over my chest. My arms were strapped down and I remember mentioning a couple times that I could still feel my legs and feet. I was terrified I would feel them cutting as the internet had not eased my fears in having different stories pop up in my search for second c-section recovery information mentioned how some woman felt everything and went into shock....NOT what I wanted to think about in this moment!
As soon as I laid down I had a burning feeling in the middle of my chest which caused me to feel as though I couldn't breathe very well. I told myself I was overreacting and I was fine. The anesthesiologist spoke up "Lindsy, are you nervous"? I laughed..."Umm yes" I say (seriously what kind of question is that in this type of situation???) "I only ask, he said, because your heart rate spiked really high as soon as you laid down." I dont remember if I responded to him. All I can remember is that the pain in my chest was really uncomfortable and I really didn't want to go through the entire delivery not being able to breathe. I didn't want to panic, so I prayed. "God please take this pain away" I thought. Immediately the burning sensation lessened and I felt as though I could take a deeper breathe. There, I thought I'm fine I was just overreacting, thanks God!
Suddenly hubby was at my side! Having him there this time saying "Your'e doing great Mama" as we could both clearly hear them cutting away eased my nerves and was much more pleasant of an experience than my last delivery, which he hadn't even been in the room for. During the delivery I was more uncomfortable as I felt them push and almost stand on me to get our little bundle of joy out, who of course was up under my ribs which they had to pull apart to get him out (ouch is right). When I heard our little Westin cry for the first time I was filled with joy, "It's a boy!" everyone exclaimed and suddenly my little man was held up for me to see. My first thought was OH MY GOSH HE IS ADORABLE! My second thought was, HE LOOKS LIKE ME! After daddy cut the umbilical cord and I got to kiss my little man, my men left and I was left to be stitched up and stapled (fun, fun). The entire process from start to finish felt like it took forever! Which the anesthesiologist mentioned to me saying "I'm sure it feels like it is taking forever, but don't worry this is normal, when it isn't an emergency they are able to take their time."
After the surgery was done I was wheeled into our room and immediately saw daddy holding our newest addition. In that moment I knew I would do it all over again to get this adorable little guy. I love my sons so much and I love seeing their wonderful daddy loving them. That is something I always wanted for my children. I wanted them to have a daddy who wanted to be there for them, with them, love them, never deny them, and cherish them as much as I did. They have that. I am always grateful when I catch those little I love you so much moments between daddy and sons.
Throughout my two day stay at the hospital my pain was different than last time and seemed more manageable. I was grateful! I was told though that my heart rate had spiked and my blood pressure plummeted during surgery (hence the burning feeling and cant breathe moment) which resulted in them having to give me a shot in my leg. They said they didn't know why that had happened and had never experienced that before (always an overachiever I am! Ha!) I was also told I bled out significantly just as I had done in my first delivery and was again, anemic. Really wasn't expecting that information as I had scheduled my c-section to avoid that scenario. However though it did happen, at least it happened in a more controlled environment than last time and me and my baby were OK, which I again was grateful for.
My recovery has gone a lot more smoothly this time around. My pain is not as bad and the only annoyance is the little pain/uncomfortable moments I do have and dealing with my anemia. My iron pills do help slightly, however this is a battle I have to deal with and always have since my first delivery in 2011.
It has now been two weeks since Westin's birth on 12-30-13 at 7:50 a.m. and a little over a week since we have been home. I am SO glad to be home with my family of four! I can't wait until I feel normal again and a routine is established. Until then... I am relaxing with my boys and am simply feeling blessed beyond any dream I could have ever, ever imagined!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Mommy + Expectant Mommy
The routine is altered, the carpet already needs vacuumed and we have cleaned mac & cheese, milk, and cheerios from it at least three times since moving in last Friday. The pizza stone hasn't been washed from last nights dinner and mommy + expectant mommy is still trying to find energy for the day.
Where did my energy go?? In the process of moving last week was it left on the steps and hardwood floors of our last apartment? I think so...
Here we are again, effecting change in the midst of a life change. Baby #2 will be here in less than three months! Umm.....that reminds me, we haven't bought one new thing. Benefits of big brother hammy downs I guess.
We are settled as we can be at this time. Our new apartment is so nice and such a refreshing change from all the 1800-1909 buildings we have lived in up till now. We have made it into the 1960's! Woohoo for central air, a master bathroom, and the luxury of a dishwasher!
Our decorations have yet to settle into a place on the wall and our fridge has yet to accept magnets with little boy drawings and smiling pictures. Our routine is strained as a lot of change has happened in less than seven days. Daddy is no longer at home at nights and his sleep schedule is hard to get used to but he is a champ and really is superman with all the change. Big brother is starting to get up at night more than once and mommy + expectant mommy is not liking that change.
Baby is doing great and everything is still on track with the pregnancy. I measured two weeks smaller at my last appointment however they are certain it is because of the position baby is in. Morning sickness is still there but not nearly as often. I have just started to gain weight so that is a welcome change.
Overall change has been our fall. I guess in everything change is better than complacency, (even though my kind of complacency is screaming my name from my comfy pillows and new fall colored bedspread).
~Until next time ~ <3
Where did my energy go?? In the process of moving last week was it left on the steps and hardwood floors of our last apartment? I think so...
Here we are again, effecting change in the midst of a life change. Baby #2 will be here in less than three months! Umm.....that reminds me, we haven't bought one new thing. Benefits of big brother hammy downs I guess.
We are settled as we can be at this time. Our new apartment is so nice and such a refreshing change from all the 1800-1909 buildings we have lived in up till now. We have made it into the 1960's! Woohoo for central air, a master bathroom, and the luxury of a dishwasher!
Our decorations have yet to settle into a place on the wall and our fridge has yet to accept magnets with little boy drawings and smiling pictures. Our routine is strained as a lot of change has happened in less than seven days. Daddy is no longer at home at nights and his sleep schedule is hard to get used to but he is a champ and really is superman with all the change. Big brother is starting to get up at night more than once and mommy + expectant mommy is not liking that change.
Baby is doing great and everything is still on track with the pregnancy. I measured two weeks smaller at my last appointment however they are certain it is because of the position baby is in. Morning sickness is still there but not nearly as often. I have just started to gain weight so that is a welcome change.
Overall change has been our fall. I guess in everything change is better than complacency, (even though my kind of complacency is screaming my name from my comfy pillows and new fall colored bedspread).
~Until next time ~ <3
Monday, August 19, 2013
And....The results are in!
The cake has been cut and the result are....BLUE! We are SHOCKED to say the least! "I can't believe the cake was blue"! Was the sentence heard 'round the room from our families and friends. I am pretty positive that we will all be shocked even more when our little boy is born and we are all showed up in our 'we just knew it was a girl, they have to be wrong' intuitions. No matter what, we are THRILLED! Rylan will have a little brother to tackle (I mean play with). :)
I already have one little man and an amazing daddy by my side and though I may be out numbered; I sure am one lucky Wife and Mommy to have all these boys swooning over me!
I already have one little man and an amazing daddy by my side and though I may be out numbered; I sure am one lucky Wife and Mommy to have all these boys swooning over me!
Here is a glimpse into our exciting world yesterday!
Below are the reveal pictures! Here is the video! https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10153194404925707&l=189469162698009907
~Westin David Brown~
Until next time <3
Love,
~One excited Mommy~
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Pregnant Mommy Diaries take 2
On this gloomy morning I woke not to a little boy begging to watch "a guppies" (Bubble Guppies) but to the silence of the day I have been waiting for, for weeks. The excitement is too much to allow me to fall back to sleep. My mind races with 'what ifs' and all the exciting hopes for my little families future.
Becoming a parent is a-m-a-z-i-n-g. It is difficult, it is surprising, it is challenging, it is love, it is patience, it is forgiveness, it is wonder, it is happiness, it is waiting, it is unfamiliarity, it is highs and lows, it is faith, it is Gods greatest blessing bestowed. Beyond all the words given to explain in detail the feelings that come over any parent who is struggling to find there footing, unstable in solidifying the reason as to why their dreams are on hold or showcasing the midst of the exciting journey of welcoming their first, second, or fifth blessing, excitement remains.
I am a firm believer that Gods timing is everything. It is perfect. It is the only absolute side note in the entire parenting realm. It is the flavor the lingers after the blessing of seeing that positive sign in those early weeks of finding out your journey to parenthood is here.
As of right now, excitement and joy are the emotions of my gloomy morning. I will be the sun today, as I am elated to finally be able to put a name to Baby Blessing #2. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God has blessed us once again. I can not wait to hold you Baby Blessing # 2 (insert name -soon!.
Becoming a parent is a-m-a-z-i-n-g. It is difficult, it is surprising, it is challenging, it is love, it is patience, it is forgiveness, it is wonder, it is happiness, it is waiting, it is unfamiliarity, it is highs and lows, it is faith, it is Gods greatest blessing bestowed. Beyond all the words given to explain in detail the feelings that come over any parent who is struggling to find there footing, unstable in solidifying the reason as to why their dreams are on hold or showcasing the midst of the exciting journey of welcoming their first, second, or fifth blessing, excitement remains.
I am a firm believer that Gods timing is everything. It is perfect. It is the only absolute side note in the entire parenting realm. It is the flavor the lingers after the blessing of seeing that positive sign in those early weeks of finding out your journey to parenthood is here.
As of right now, excitement and joy are the emotions of my gloomy morning. I will be the sun today, as I am elated to finally be able to put a name to Baby Blessing #2. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God has blessed us once again. I can not wait to hold you Baby Blessing # 2 (insert name -soon!.
-One Excited Mommy-
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Pregnant Mommy Diaries
Since we are currently waiting for Kevins insurance to kick in in the fall we are self pay for our doctors visits. To make it less of an expense we WERE going to Wide Open Imaging to get our sonogram. Within the past two days they have rescheduled and changed times on us THREE times within a 48hr window. So this morning while getting ready I didn't think to check my phone to see if there were any messages until we almost were walking out the door to go to our appointment since our appointment was at 8:45! How can someone cancel within a half hour of an appointment after it had been previously cancelled and changed three times prior???!!!!
I (in an extremely upset state) called them and immediately am recognized. "Hi, yes Mrs. Brown we are very sorry this has happened. We understand you have been rescheduled numerous times however our next availability is the 20th." Trying to remain calm and not sob on the phone because we have our party planned for the 18th; I 'calmly' state that we have a reveal party planned for the weekend and need the scan done this week. I mentioned how ridiculous their (so called) service had been and how I am at a loss at what to do next because we planned our party based off of the fact that our ultrasound would be done TODAY (or Thursday, like it was initially scheduled.) I am now put on hold (no surprise there).
The 'lovely' managers voice now fills the silence as she states, "our main technicians daughter is in surgery today and our back up technician has plans, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Now I understand you have a party planned for this weekend and I apologize but you do know that this scan is not to reveal the gender but to get measurements. It is not always 100% guaranteed that you will find out the gender." At this point I'm just overwhelmed and completely appalled by how this company is doing business. I then 'calmly' respond. "Not being able to find out the gender is beside the point. I have been rescheduled on numerous times and was counting on the fact that we were having the scan done this week." She speaks up "Yes I understand that however with planning a reveal party it really is never 100% that you are going find out the gender, as these scans are not for that. You never know the position of the baby and it could prohibit finding out." I speak up "With my son there was no problem in finding out at the twenty week scan, this isn't even about that its the fact that I have been rescheduled on numerous times". The 'lovely' manager speaks again, "Yes but again these scans are not for that I suggest you call the hospital or summit and see if you can get in there this week" she finishes with a 'patting herself on the back kind of tone'.
It is kind of a blur from that point. Basically it ended with me saying I was not scheduling with them again and was calling summit. LUCKILY summit had an appointment open for tomorrow at 7am!
So.....I say ALL that to 'calmly' say.....DO not EVER use Wide Open Imaging Services, as their 'service' is clearly not any kind of service that credits being a business still worth standing.
I (in an extremely upset state) called them and immediately am recognized. "Hi, yes Mrs. Brown we are very sorry this has happened. We understand you have been rescheduled numerous times however our next availability is the 20th." Trying to remain calm and not sob on the phone because we have our party planned for the 18th; I 'calmly' state that we have a reveal party planned for the weekend and need the scan done this week. I mentioned how ridiculous their (so called) service had been and how I am at a loss at what to do next because we planned our party based off of the fact that our ultrasound would be done TODAY (or Thursday, like it was initially scheduled.) I am now put on hold (no surprise there).
The 'lovely' managers voice now fills the silence as she states, "our main technicians daughter is in surgery today and our back up technician has plans, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Now I understand you have a party planned for this weekend and I apologize but you do know that this scan is not to reveal the gender but to get measurements. It is not always 100% guaranteed that you will find out the gender." At this point I'm just overwhelmed and completely appalled by how this company is doing business. I then 'calmly' respond. "Not being able to find out the gender is beside the point. I have been rescheduled on numerous times and was counting on the fact that we were having the scan done this week." She speaks up "Yes I understand that however with planning a reveal party it really is never 100% that you are going find out the gender, as these scans are not for that. You never know the position of the baby and it could prohibit finding out." I speak up "With my son there was no problem in finding out at the twenty week scan, this isn't even about that its the fact that I have been rescheduled on numerous times". The 'lovely' manager speaks again, "Yes but again these scans are not for that I suggest you call the hospital or summit and see if you can get in there this week" she finishes with a 'patting herself on the back kind of tone'.
It is kind of a blur from that point. Basically it ended with me saying I was not scheduling with them again and was calling summit. LUCKILY summit had an appointment open for tomorrow at 7am!
So.....I say ALL that to 'calmly' say.....DO not EVER use Wide Open Imaging Services, as their 'service' is clearly not any kind of service that credits being a business still worth standing.
(Side note: If any vandalism comes upon said business, you didn't read this.)
-The red rimmed eyed, now relieved, Pregnant Mommy-
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